|
| Eh, it's been awhile since my last update. Not that anybody follows this anyway. I need to write some things down, and look over them. So that's what I'll do.
In September, I started talking to Jessica Turner. The most odd thing is, that I didn't want to talk to her at first. In fact, I wanted little to do with her. But for some reason, in September, we started talking. And she turned out to be the most amazing girl I've met to date. We've had our troubles, of course. I'm good at making things complicated and pushing people away. I almost lost her once, about a month after we started talking. And it scared me so bad. That's when I started to wonder if she could really be the one. Well, we worked through that, and things were good, I think. But then I started getting jealous, and was saying and doing things, that when I look back on them, I'm like, "What the fuck.. That was so fucked up." And those things have driven Jess to the point where she wants out. I think she is willing to give one more chance, which I'm thankful for, cuz God knows she's been more than patient with me. And I'm trying to make a change, here and now. I'm gonna start thinking about things before doing or saying them. If it's something that I feel like I would get upset if the roles were turned, or I will not feel 15 minutes later, or I'll be laying in bed thinking about things and feel completely idiot for saying it in the first place, then I'm gonna try to squash them right there. I've got to stop being jealous. I've got to stop being so insecure. I've got to give her my all, or I'm going to lose her. Cuz for the first time, I feel like I am in love, and I do not want to lose that. I've thought I was in love a few times before, but seriously, who was I kidding? Those feelings hold no contest to the way I feel for Jess. I mean, I've been laying in bed, and my heart has been telling all along, "Stop worrying so much, trust her!" And I guess I need to start listening to my heart, cuz the way I've been to her, has not been the best of me. She loves me, I know she does. But I think there could be more, still, if I can just fix this jealousy, and at LEAST tone down my insecurity. I've been praying too. Talking to God. I missed Him. Why did I keep walking off His path? I dunno. But I think He is helping me. I feel like He put Jess in my life for a reason. I can't explain it. But I just know that I'm praying for Jess. She's got so much going on, and I wasn't making it any easier for her. I was being selfish and foolish. It makes me mad that it took almost losing her for my eyes to open. I'm making changes, to my jealousy, and hopefully to my insecurity especially. I'm praying for it. And I feel like He is helping me. I am seeing things in a different perspective. And I think this new perspective will take over soon. I hope it does. I want it to, and I think Jess would like/love me much more if I let it. Anyways. I'm gonna get some sleep. Thanks for being my little journal, Xanga! :P
| | |
| So, I've finally decided to let go. I'm done chasing people I can't
have. I've done it for far too long, and it only depresses me. I can't
keep chasing girls who don't have interest in me, in that way. I'm sure
they don't like it, and like I said, it only makes me wonder what I'm
doing wrong, and makes me want to change who I am.
So many girls have told me I can do better than them, but wouldn't go out with me. I don't get like that. It's like being over-qualified for a job - then why not hire me and we'll both be happy?
I honestly have no idea why I can't get a girl that I want. I try, man
do I try, to do everything I know how to make them like me. I've made
it clear that I like them. I make them laugh. I make them smile. I give
them hugs. I listen when they need to talk. I try my best to look
decent. I compliment them. But it always ends up the same, they like
someone else.
Heh, I even send them random messages, to remind them that I'm alive. I
guess when I look at that, listed out like that, it could get pretty
annoying. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I try too hard. But it's not like I go out of my way to do those things, they just flow regularly, it's how I was always told to treat a girl.
I mean, granted I don't have a job, or even a car at the moment, it's
not for lack of trying. I guess maybe I'm giving up too early. But I'm
not sure how having a job would change anything. We'd hang out the
same, possibly less, but I'd have money so we could do more. There is
pros and cons of it, I guess.. But in all, I don't think it'd change a
thing. It seems like all I am to girls is someone to give them
compliments, and make them laugh until they find someone else. I guess
I'm a much better friend than boyfriend.
My worst fear, though, is having the repeat of many times before where I've finally gotten into a relationship and suddenly they like me, or have more time for me.
Bleh, but anyway, the purpose of this post was to vent, and I don't think anyone will read this. Pretty sure, in fact. Just needed to write down that it's the end of me chasing. Now I will just go, and see how things play out. Granted it will be hard to dissolve a 3 1/2 year crush. Despite everything, not talking for lengths of time and such. My feelings have remained, I can't get them to go away. I remember thinking of her less as time passed and we didn't talk so much, but when we did, feelings rushed back quickly.
On a side not, I don't blame her at all. It's not her fault she doesn't like me, and I like her. You can't help how you feel, no matter how you try.
.. And that being said, maybe all this is really is really childish, and dumb. Sorta feel like after venting all that, and expressing my thoughts and re-reading it all that it was pretty childish and granted I do need to just see play life as it comes, not trying is simply dumb. If you're not looking for something, you won't find it, right? But sometimes if you are, the only times you see it, is when you're not looking.. Bleh.. Really mixed up..
| | |
| Yeah, well.. Two things.. Kim works miracles for me, and I graduated. | | |
| This sucks... I said goodbye to all my friends proprly except perhaps the one most important to me. Not because I didn't want to, but it's just that she didn't really seem to care.. I hope it is just because she figures it isn't really goodbye, which I hope is the case.. But if it is.. If I never see her again.. I didn't even get to hug her goodbye.. Oh well.. I guess there is no use dwelling on it. I'll miss her either way.. And have my regrets, I'm sure. I'll update once more after graduation, but then no more.. Since nobody seems to care, and I really won't have a reason to write down stuff anymore.
Oh yeah, I'm probably gonna go hang out with Michael, Lucas, Sam and Rex on Saturday.. Which'll be cool, shows me that they actually are friends, and wanna stay in touch, which means something to me right now. | | |
| I think I should just start making all my posts private, cuz it doesn't seem like anyone reads these anymore. I never get any comments.. Alright, anyway.. So, I sit here, and I wonder if I should wake up and go to school tomorrow or not. The whole reason I wanted to go school at all this week is because I would miss Kim. But I need to get over her, and seeing her wouldn't help. I really don't want to be getting over her, but I realize that I have about as much a chance with her as I do with getting stuck by lightning. I really do like her, and she randomly pops into my head and doesn't leave for hours. I don't understand why I like her as much as I do, honestly. Yes, she is one of the greatest girls I have ever met, but if I can't get her to like me, there's no use, right? Just gotta be her friend. I know that me telling her my feelings and everything may be really sudden and at a really difficult time in her life, but I couldn't just bottle it up forever. Because I know if I didn't tell her around this time, I never would have. But I dunno, I just really wish I could be with her. Anyway! Back to the original topic. I can't decide whether I should go to school or not, because I mainly wanted to go just to see Kim, though briefly, it would satisfy me. I dunno. I guess I should keep my promise to the others and go. I mean, there are other people there, who I enjoy being with. Mainly Julia, and a few people in 4th period. But, I dunno. I just don't know if I should go. I'm definately going on Wednesday, which is going to suck, because that when I'll have to say goodbye to everyone, and for some of them, I'll have to hold back tears as I do so, cuz I know I'll never see them again. I suck with goodbyes. Thats usually when I cry when I go see my dad in the hospital, when I have to say goodbye. I dunno. I will miss everyone. I have a big soft heart, and there a few people that have taken their place in it, and it is really gonna suck saying goodbye to them.. Well, I guess I'm gonna go to bed now. Later. | | |
|
